State of my Mind Address 10/11/2016

This is not a song or poetry like I usually post.
This could be very long and personal, so I doubt anybody will make it all the way through.

I really don't think I belong here.
Something in the Cosmos must have gotten fucked up.
No one here seems to understand anything I'm going through or why I tend to question the actions of others that just seem ridiculous to me.

I am well aware that it is considered "mental illness."
I cannot live on a set schedule, dealing with assholes on a daily basis.
My brain does not work that way, period.
If one of the few people I actually give a shit about needs help and a "job" is not willing to work with me so I can go help, fuck them.
I will walk right out the door and not look back.
If there is something I would rather be doing and anybody wants to be an asshole, I will walk right out the door and not look back.
That is how my brain works.
There is no "man up and just do it!"
There is no "just stop it!"
It doesn't work that way.
I have tried.

No doctor seems to understand.
I refuse to take any medication that is just going to make me completely apathetic, with no emotion at all.
I need something to control my anxiety and moments when I freak out and no one seems to get that.
I don't need to be a fucking zombie and I refuse to be a sheep following the flock.
I think "normal" society is a fucking joke and I refuse to participate.

No amount of counseling is ever going to help.
Nothing they tell me is going to change any of my beliefs and that just gives one more person an excuse to call me crazy.
You can talk until you're blue in the face and it will not change the way I feel.
Your "exercises" don't work.
This is who I am and your psychobabble bullshit is not going to change that.

tl;dr: I am just completely fucked at "life."